I know it’s been a bit quiet on the blog recently. The Creative Writing Club had a fundraiser I was working on, and it pretty my kicked my butt. So, while I am recovering from that, how about you enjoy this guest post from the gorgeous Jessica McHugh. You might remember her from a few weeks back when she popped in and had margaritas. Charlie’s still talking about it.
I want to be cremated when I die. But I still want a coffin. Several, actually.
Like Russian nesting dolls, I want coffins of decreasing sizes, stacked inside one another and buried below an ornate tombstone, waiting for grave robbers. Once the dirt has been cleared, the excavators will face the first coffin. Bolted and locked to the nines, the exterior reads, “SIX MORE FEET TO THE TREASURE.” After busting through that one, they’d reach the next coffin, which reads, “FIVE MORE FEET TO THE TREASURE,” and so on.
Oh, how happy the covetous excavators will be, working for hours on end to reach the spectacular riches that lay at the end of my coffin stack.
FOUR MORE FEET…
THREE MORE FEET…
What could it be? Diamonds? Gold? Precious artifacts passed down through the generations? A royal inheritance, perhaps? Maybe it’s something magical from the old country, a talisman that’s worth a bundle because of the legend that’s grown up around it. It could even be a well-preserved, first edition novel that could be hocked on Ebay for a hefty sum.
At long last, they will reach the final coffin, the exterior of which will read, “CONGRATULATIONS! You found the treasure!!”
The excavators will, no doubt, be elated to find their work almost at an end, the riches almost within reach. But when they pry the last coffin open, they will find no gold, no diamonds, no precious antiquities.
Instead, they will find a note stating, “The greatest treasure humans can hope to possess is the combination of hope and diligence. Have fun spending those riches at Hot Topic, you grave-robbing jerkass.”
Virtuoso at Masturbation comes (hard) on Hump Day, July 31st, staining your Kindle with ridiculous ponderings, pictures, and unique writing prompts to keep you laughing and creating ‘til Jesus takes your T-Rex away.
“I read this book to my great-grandmother. She died laughing. Easily the year’s best murder weapon!”
Michael A. Arnzen, author of Play Dead & The Gorelets Omnibus
“This book was so sexy I had to pull that dead hooker out of my trunk and give her a workout halfway through reading it.”
Andrew Nienaber, author of Truly, Deeply Disturbed
“After reading Virtuoso of Masturbation, I went out to the zoo and proceeded to punch a gorilla in the face because I wanted to match the badassery of what I’d just read. I didn’t even come close.”
Jessica McHugh is an author of speculative fiction that spans the genre from horror and alternate history to epic fantasy. A member of the Horror Writers Association and a 2013 Pulp Ark nominee, she has devoted herself to novels, short stories, poetry, and playwriting. Jessica has had twelve books published in four years, including the bestselling “Rabbits in the Garden,” “The Sky: The World” and the gritty coming-of-age thriller, “PINS.” More info on her speculations and publications can be found at JessicaMcHughBooks.com.